Why are some days just hard? Why does one day's alarm meet apathy and the next disgust? And why does one days frustration bring us so much closer to tears than the last? Some days are the hard ones. Some days I just need a safe place. I just need to come home, close the door and my eyes, and let the tears flow. For the brokenness. For my own weakness. For my mistakes. For the person I want to be but continue to fail to be. For the trust I have neglected to give to my God. For the darn cloudy skies...again. For a moment...to be raw, open, real. Some days I just have to STOP, pull off my mask, collapse, and be honest about life right now. And not just life for me, but life for those around me...the burdens that they're carrying that I try to share, the tears they are crying that I can't help but hear, the reality of their lives that rubs so closely to mine.
But before I get to that safe place, the day is harder. The day is full of my needs. And why so many needs on these days? Need for assurance, encouragement, love, hugs...need even to be needed. Oh, I am all about that codependency issue or at least am a huge investor in its success. I am sure my need has a holy purpose - to draw me closer to the heart of Christ, but I project it onto others and ask others to fill my need. Tell me I'm important. Tell me I'm special. Love me. Hug me. Need me. Give me purpose. And Christ is standing over there in the corner (wanting to bang his head against the wall)...wanting to love me, hug me, tell me I'm special, give me purpose. I think I found my answer. The hardest days...the really hard ones...the ones where I wonder why my alarm even sounded at all...are the days I don't need Him at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment