process

i have made much progress recently by realizing i am a process. remembering life is a process. reminding myself today is a process toward tomorrow.

i am a process
as a daughter, sister, wife, or minister, i am not a trophy or achievement. i am an instrument in a similar process as everyone else. this is why i am not "a good friend," because sometimes i am not. this is why i am not an "effective youth pastor," because many times i cease to be. this is why i am not a "proverbs 31 wife," because too many times than i would ever admit, i fail to be. i am in process. i am incomplete, unfinished, tattered on the edges. and really, the thing is, when i am a good friend, effective minister, proverbs 31 wife, i am really not. Christ within me in his spirit is working to bring goodness into my friendships, effectiveness into my ministry, and holiness into my marriage. absolutely nothing i can do on my own can produce any of these things. i am constantly in the process of allowing Christ to change me, of being reminded to trust not myself but Christ alone, of losing sight and refocusing. my progress has come in being okay with this, realizing that when my own efforts and strivings cease, Christ's life becomes a reality in me. when i become okay with the idea that i can trust more, i can love more, i can look like Christ more . . . i become okay with the idea that i am a process. i have not arrived. and because i have not arrived, i stay on this journey. this journey that involves completely trusting someone else to live through me and change me into anything worthwhile. that is a journey i can only hope will not end.

life is a process
life is not one moment, nor is it defined in one moment. life is a culmination of the journey, for me, toward Christ. and this does not occur in one moment. this happens through a repeated, daily commitment and decision to choose something other than self and to breathe for something other than selfish gain. it is a process. today i have not defined my life as "living" or "lived." life is happening, life is alive, life is abundant. life is a process.

today is a process toward tomorrow
i often get frustrated that today i am not where i want to be, that today i am not seeing fully grown and fruited trees in the parts of my heart Christ has planted his dreams. today i get frustrated that life is in one place when i always thought it would be in another. i get frustrated because i cannot see the tomorrow, and i need to know that tomorrow offers hope toward those dreams. yet, this is where i have forgotten today is a process toward tomorrow. in fact, we always live today and never get to live tomorrow. let us realize that today is a vitally, important opportunity to live fully and abundantly in the extact context we have been placed. without these actions, very few hoped-for tomorrows will ever find their reality. if we do not process today, if we do not grow today, if we choose not to live today, tomorrow will offer little at all.