Striving Again

I caught myself in the middle of it today. In the sea of striving. The sea of comparisons. Sea of never-living-up-to... How did I lose sight of your grace? How did I forget "your love is all I need to live?" Because here I am trying harder to be someone who is "as good as," "as important as," "as impactful as," "as fun as," "as exciting as," "as stylish as," "as perfect as..."

Haven't I grown out of this? Haven't I learned the lesson that trusting is more important than trying...that living in the Spirit is more important than talking about the Spirit. Haven't I learned yet that the person you created me to be with the fullness of your love is exactly who you want me to be right now?

Every once in a while, I get lost. Every once in a while, I forget. I wonder why I am not like her or act like him. I try to matter. I try to count. I get in the way.

I read a story about a museum guide who used to love his job. He would introdcue the paintings and then let the audience marvel over every bit until it they were ready to move on. Eventually, he began to creep in on the painting until eventually, the audiences were not seeing any of the paintings and they were just seeing the guide making a big show in front of the painting...standing in front of the REASON for their tour.

The REASON for life...for ministry...for friendships...for family...for marriage is to cast light on Christ's love, to be an agent of his love and grace in the lives of others...to show the glory of the one who holds it all.

But I make it about me. I make it about how good of a job I am doing casting the light or doing the ministry or being the friend, sister, wife, daughter. I make it about being enough. Being good enough, strong enough, wise enough, compassionate enough, smart enough.

Then, I break. It's not about me anyway. How quickly we forget. God has already done the work, He's already filled in the distance of my insufficiencies. And He's standing, waiting patiently for me to let Him cast His glory through me. He's waiting for me to let Him work through ME, the person He created...not who I am trying to be, wishing to be, feeling pressure to be but ME. He's dying to use ME. Let me get out of the way.